I have not posted to my blog recently because I feel like I have been lost for the last few months. First I lost my brain and the capacity to use it effectively from radiation and for the past few weeks I have been lost in a sea of irritability and depression.
I completed my radiation treatment at the end of November right after Thanksgiving. I am convinced that my brain has not been working as well since I received the full dose of radiation as it was before beginning treatment. I find that words and names do not come to me when I need them, my spelling has become atrocious (thank goodness for spell check) and for a while I could not compose a coherent sentence.
I have a hard time remembering names of people and in a couple of times I forgot that I knew two different people because I did not recognize them when I saw them. I had an argument at work with two coworkers and after 5 minutes of strongly defending my viewpoint I realized I was wrong when it was pointed out to me a simple fact that I should have remembered which completely undercut my argument.
I have sat down to write in my journal and in this blog before but I quickly became frustrated with my inability to form sentences that made sense and that linked together.
I began my chemotherapy 3 weeks ago. For the first two weeks of the three week cycle I go to Dana Farber for my infusions two days a week. The third week I have off. In addition on the days I go in for infusions I have to take high doses of steroids.
Taking the steroids plus the drugs they are giving me seems to be messing with my emotions. For two and al half weeks all I want to do is climb under a rock and avoid the world. I pick fights with my wife, have no patience for my children and don’t return phone calls or e-mails from family or friends who try to contact me. I am just a joy to be around.
For the past three days I have emotionally felt close to my normal self. Unfortunately for everyone around me I start up with my chemo again this Monday,
Looking over this blog post I have just written, I think I am still lost, no great insights about life and living with cancer, just irritability and self pity. Thanks for reading.
