I have not posted to my blog recently because I feel like I have been lost for the last few months. First I lost my brain and the capacity to use it effectively from radiation and for the past few weeks I have been lost in a sea of irritability and depression.
I completed my radiation treatment at the end of November right after Thanksgiving. I am convinced that my brain has not been working as well since I received the full dose of radiation as it was before beginning treatment. I find that words and names do not come to me when I need them, my spelling has become atrocious (thank goodness for spell check) and for a while I could not compose a coherent sentence.
I have a hard time remembering names of people and in a couple of times I forgot that I knew two different people because I did not recognize them when I saw them. I had an argument at work with two coworkers and after 5 minutes of strongly defending my viewpoint I realized I was wrong when it was pointed out to me a simple fact that I should have remembered which completely undercut my argument.
I have sat down to write in my journal and in this blog before but I quickly became frustrated with my inability to form sentences that made sense and that linked together.
I began my chemotherapy 3 weeks ago. For the first two weeks of the three week cycle I go to Dana Farber for my infusions two days a week. The third week I have off. In addition on the days I go in for infusions I have to take high doses of steroids.
Taking the steroids plus the drugs they are giving me seems to be messing with my emotions. For two and al half weeks all I want to do is climb under a rock and avoid the world. I pick fights with my wife, have no patience for my children and don’t return phone calls or e-mails from family or friends who try to contact me. I am just a joy to be around.
For the past three days I have emotionally felt close to my normal self. Unfortunately for everyone around me I start up with my chemo again this Monday,
Looking over this blog post I have just written, I think I am still lost, no great insights about life and living with cancer, just irritability and self pity. Thanks for reading.
Hi jeremy,
ReplyDeleteI just read your past posts, and it made me start reliving the nightmare of my initial period after I was diagnosed. Although mine was a t10 compression fracture that was misdiagnosed for 1 1/2 years. I can relate to the shock, the why me, etc. I did 17 rounds od radiation, then 6 months of chemo, and ultimately a sct. It was. And is still occasionally very surreal to enter the cancer centers andd the sct was ,well, how to put this, the worst experience of my life. But, I got 4 years of remisssion and relapsed may 2010. I am more philosophical now, no I do not believe in a higher power, but I've had time to reflect and I am stronger. And you will be too! My children were there for me as yours will be too, and my husband has been there every step of the way.
I guess I'm saying you will get on with your life, hopefully in a complete remission. It will be worth it to be ther for your wife and kids.
Best regards
Christina Neumann in california
Heya, Jeremy. Being there, doing that. Coming out of it, for sure, but very slowly. I'm impressed with two things about your post:
ReplyDelete1... that you are at work yet. Kudos on that. I certainly wasn't able to work as I was going through my treatment (radiation, velcade/dex chemo, and ASCT) Finished this past October, and am still very definitely in a bit of a fog, and weak. So weak.
2... that you are aware of the reality of yourself. Keep that up. I have found for myself that being self-aware is a big help in keeping perspective. We are, after all, very sick and fighting for our lives here... it's OK to be frustrated and depressed. It's OK to be scared, even, and totally out of sorts. In the grand scheme of things, grammar and spelling really don't mean all that much at the moment, do they?
But also try to stay positive: you are still here, still fighting, still having people around you who care. Enjoy what you can in all this. Be strong... it's the one thing you can contribute to your fight.