Flight Delayed

I do not like flying very much and I have always hated flight delays. I am usually very careful about getting to the airport on time (perhaps too early Elyse might say). I make a plan to anticipate possible traffic problems, delays with lines at baggage check in and long lines at security all with the goal of having a comfortable cushion of time get to the gate and board the plane with plenty of time to spare.

My plan has never failed me, I have never missed a flight. However I have forced my family to endure endless hours of boredom in airports as they arrive early for a flight that can be delayed for many hours. This is when I am at my worst. I can't focus on my book, I pace the airport concourses, checking the departure boards obsessively to be on top of any further delays in the flight. I even spend large amounts of time staring out at the runway trying to anticipate if the plane currently landing is the one that will soon arrive at our gate to carry us to our destination.

All the while in the back of my mind I am thinking of how ridiculous the whole concept of flying is and worrying about how much I hate flying. Large aluminum tubes full of people should not be able to stay up in the air without falling back to earth. Logically I understand the principles of aerodynamics, lift and air flow speeds, but the anxious worrying part of me does not believe in the reality of physics and still anticipates the the large aluminum tube with wings will fall out of the sky.

For my cancer treatment I have chosen my airline, I have decided to receive treatment at Dana Farber. I have bought my ticket by agreeing to have radiation first and then chemotherapy and a bone marrow transplant after the radiation is completed. I have met the captains of my flight my oncologist and radiation oncologist.

I met with the radiation oncologist last Thursday and was told the plan of 20-25 sessions of radiation using a fancy technique called IMRT that would hopefully limit the negative impact of the radiation on my eye sight, various glands in my head and my brain itself. I took another MRI and was fitted for a mask that will be used to guide the radiation to the exact spot where it will be most effective. I am ready to start my trip.

There is delay in the flight. Since they are using IMRT to give me the radiation it takes 10 days to map out the course of radiation based on my recent MRI. I will not begin radiation treatment until October 24. I am anxious, I am pacing and worrying, I want this treatment to start, to begin to get the cancer out of me. But part of me is worried about how my body will react to the treatment and what the potential side effects from the treatment will be. I worry about whether the treatment will even work. Part of me wants to leave the airport, cancel the flight and pretend the cancer does not exist so I won't have to go through with treatment.

I am a worrier by nature. I dislike unanticipated problems that can come up in my best laid plans so I make plans to make plans for all the things that can possibly go wrong in life. My theory has been that if you plan enough you can anticipate and prevent any problems that would prevent my original plan or goal from being reached. I have cancer, I can't plan for this, I can't control for this. I am at the airport pacing and worrying because my flight is delayed, but also terrified about having to take this flight.